disconnecting to connect

Welcome! For those of you who have followed along on my creative journey via Instagram, you may have noticed my absence. No, it’s not just the algorithm. Though I never really did figure that out. I’ve been taking an intentional pause (end date tbd).

I’m sure most can relate to the shift with social media engagement from supportive and joyful slash informative and validating to jacked nervous system/lost time/how did I even get here? What was I looking for and why am I so enraged and hopeless and I have nothing original because everything has already been done and done better. Yes? No?

I honestly don’t know at what point it shifted from the first to the second. I think it was hard to discern because there were still sprinkles of joy and validation there too. Once the bad outweighed the good, it was ages before I was aware and even longer before I was actually willing to hit the pause button. Such is my process. It took a friend pulling the plug to inspire me to finally listen to my gut that it was not healthy and wasn’t even helping my biz much either.

So I hit pause on my constant feed check ins and deleted the app.

The first few days my finger kept seeking out that lil’ camera icon, but it wasn’t long at all before I got real used to this whole no scrolling thing. Well…no scrolling insta and tiktok anyway. In grand dopamine seeking habit tradition, I did suddenly find myself reading poorly written buzzfeed lists and AITA threads like it was my job. But you know, it didn’t hit the same and at a certain point I opted to follow little creative pings or pick up books on my pile.

It was last spring and the changing light and list of to dos felt more compelling without the constant distraction and information overload. I cleared out my side yard, re-stained my back fence, revived my garden (and it didn’t die from neglect for several months! Winning!). There were lists of things I wanted to one day tackle and suddenly this brain space was ready to be utilized to achieve these things! I was determined and motivated and no longer quite so distracted! I was super human with no satisfying short form video content to pull focus!

Well…at least that was until I found other coping mechanisms I deemed more “healthy.”

To feed the part that wanted to feel informed and felt suspicious of the repetitive news cycle, I opted to buy an online news subscription I trusted and got on some newsletters from sources I respected. I binged so SO many shows. Not to stay informed, but one also needs to check out. I have been waiting for someone to ask me for recos, but honestly I can’t remember half of them.

The world didn’t stop feeling overwhelming because I popped off socials and my addictive habits didn’t miraculously evaporate when I took away my main source, but I am trying to be more discerning and be present with whatever I am using to dissociate, as oxymoronic as that may sound. The horrors persist, but so do I, as it were. I keep replacing habits that harm with habits that, for now, feel more soul feeding. Big deep inhale. And release.

I’ve really been taking in the adage that what I do with my time reflects my values and the amount of power that space was getting, was pulling from the limited focus and energy I have for things that truly mattered to me. I was also struggling so much to discern reality from fiction.

And look I am a small business owner and Instagram has been my prime focus for all things Colour Coven since day one. I owe it a lot and despite multiple attempts, I’ve struggled to transfer things over to other platforms. In fact, I found myself unable to think of any new way to show up for the business and over time I began wondering if I should even keep it going.

I couldn’t help wondering if the noise and overstimulation of the insta/tiktok/[insert platform here], the pace of information and the sheer volume of content, was preventing me from seeing that alternatives did in fact exist. It felt like all my creative life force was draining from me in real time each time I tapped into that little camera icon. So dramatic, but true.

Over the past couple years, I’ve watched many other creative businesses that I’ve admired and have inspired my own, shut their digital doors. This project has never remotely reached the level of their success and yet it had become unsustainable for them. I find that so heartbreaking. We’re all tightening our belts and art fits squarely into luxury for most of us. Materials are not cheap. Nothing really is anymore. And not for a long time. I know that I need to create, but I also know that the way I do that needs some rejigging.

The last couple years have been a wild internal retuning by fire, as I’ve been navigating the messy, confusing, chaotic, overwhelming, validating, occasionally empowering world of advocating and supporting my somewhat recently realized neurodivergent kiddos. Like many parents navigating their own version of this, it also led me down my own diagnosis journey that profoundly upended my self-perceptions from consciousness to now. No small thing, indeed.

I suspect I’ll be unpacking all the ableism and shame I’ve internalized for some time and learning more ways I can lower the mask. Disentangling it all has been incredibly eye-opening and healing and I still find new realizations popping up constantly. I’m incredibly thankful to the accounts that helped validate my experience through the darkest times and made an isolating journey feel less lonely and honestly made me laugh my ass off. I do miss that side of the scroll.

Time away, I believe, has helped me to metabolize that more and harness it into the way I am showing up IRL. I also feel proud when I look back at my feed and see so much of what I’ve created in one place. It’s meant the world to build community there and get inspired by other creatives. That would not have been possible without all of you out there cheering me along. Liking, commenting, sharing, coming to markets, workshops and buying my work.

So that brings me to why am I writing to you now. Well. I am hoping that by opening a new means of engagement via this newsletter, I can try something a little different and keep an arms length from spaces that are not feeling as supportive right now. Did I already say that? Well I’m repeating it anyway. I also just so love to write and engage through words. Perhaps this might on occasion be a place where I can share a writing project that is needing some air. I’m realizing, it needs a life beyond my laptop if I want it to take shape.

And a newsletter implies news, so I will be sharing fresh pieces as I (slowly) create, events as they come, and other creative meanderings that I think might be worth a peek.

If you’ve read this far, thank you! Looking forward to connecting again very soon!

 With love, ❤️ Kathleen